Chasing Rainbows

This is going to be a very personal post. I have come to a crossroads.

There are times that it is so hard to know what is "right". Now conveniently happens to be one of those times for me, personally. There are several things that have been kicking my ass as of late, and I'm coming to the point that the weight of everything on my shoulders is about to make my knees buckle. Physically, the only bothersome issue is obviously being 32 weeks pregnant. My husband is amazing, so I don't have to work, the apartment is manageable in size concerning cleaning, and I'm not yet enrolled in a college up here. What's becoming unbearable is the emotional weight I've been carrying for so long now. And this concerns me.

There are several things that have been happening lately that I was not prepared for in any way, shape, or form. I figured that after my husband graduated OSUT, things would be blissful, we would be reunited, and everything would just be downhill from there until the baby was born. Things turned out to be quite the opposite. And I have been on an emotional rollercoaster ever since. I'm at the point that I'm just not sure what to do to make things okay, anymore. I don't expect someone to give me the magic word and make everything go away overnight. What I mean is, I don't even know how or where to start to work and make progress and fix things over time anymore. Rob and I have discussed, fought, talked, cried, and screamed about all this, trying to come to a resolution that worked for both of us and would help us get better. It's really difficult to say how much progress we've made at this point. Honestly, the two of us have quite volatile tempers. I am finding that the main issue is that we let our tempers do the reasoning, as opposed to being able to calmly come to any conclusion. In turn, things get said that really shouldn't, harsh words get used, and I'll be totally real with you for two seconds: feelings get hurt.

If you know me in person, you know that I have an issue with "feelings". I don't like feelings. Feelings give me the heebie jeebies. I don't deal well with emotions, because I too often associate emotions with weakness. It's a pretty long story, a lot of it has to do with my family and all that, you know. The typical reasons that someone gets emotionally jacked up. As you can imagine, dealing with all this stress and change has heebie jeebied me to the max, because it brings out the emotional side of me that I really, really can't stand. On top of that, my husband does not deal with my emotions well - AT ALL. It's the hardest thing in the world for me to deal with, because I am craving attention at this point. I want it nonstop. I want affection and physical connection and talking and quiet times together. He, on the other hand, is on a completely different playing field. This evokes my sometimes overbearing emotions, and hit fits the shan. Things have changed so drastically, in such a short amount of time it seems. I don't know what to do anymore to cope.

He was gone for such a huge part of my pregnancy, especially the points at which I really needed his support and presence the most. When he came back, everything had completely changed. You can try to prepare yourself all you want, but you can never imagine what kind of a man is coming back to you after that training. In my mind at least, I knew he would be more serious, more disciplined, that his attitude would probably have changed, but I figured our relationship would go back to what it was before he left: that comfortable, easygoing, nonchalant infatuation. What I've found is that we're having a difficult time adapting to each others' needs. It doesn't help that we both need drastically different things at this point. Communication is difficult between the two of us as well. Like I said, volatile tempers. I have become an exceptionally emotional being, and he has become even more reserved with his emotions. Basically like I've just sucked all the emotion out of him and I leave it on display 24/7.

It's hard for me to face this, because it's so hard for him to face it, too. We can talk about it all we want, but actions speak louder than words. I often feel that I am bearing the weight of being alone most of the time, pregnant, emotional in a way I've never felt before, and desperate for attention and support, and I feel like I'm doing it by myself. You absolutely have to understand one thing, if nothing else from everything I've said. My husband is not a bad husband, or father. He still is and always will be the most amazing, absolutely incredible man in my eyes. Nothing, not a single thing could change that. Being 20 and having a baby and being married wasn't on either of our agendas at any point. We're doing all we can to make it through this with our heads still above water. We're handling this the best way we know how, and sometimes his way and my way don't exactly mesh.

We are working so hard to find that common ground. I'm doing everything I can to keep myself healthy in every aspect, particularly mentally. I wouldn't call this a "dark" time in my life, because it's really anything but that. I would call it the point underneath the rainbow, where you can't see it because you don't have that perspective yet, and it's gonna be a lot of work and searching to find that pot of gold. It can't happen til you get to a point that you can straighten out your perspective again and readjust your focus.You have to get out from under the rain storm first.

More than anything, what I hope you take from this post is that you should never, ever lose sight of your ultimate goals. Know your priorities. Be able to sit down and discuss them with the people that are important to you. If there's conflict, find a way to work toward common ground. Don't expect anything to happen overnight. Selfishness accomplishes nothing, and you should be real with yourself and change pace when you see it becoming a trend. Don't ever keep yourself in a situation that breaks your heart nonstop. I promise you, it's not worth it. Most of our friction comes from being a military family, on top of other personal issues that we have problems discussing at times. But any family can experience these things. It's nothing to be ashamed of, but it is something that should be taken seriously and dealt with effectively. If you have to bring in an outside, unbiased opinion, do it. But do it the right way, with someone you can both trust and turn to for help. Just don't be quick to write your loved ones off.

Whether you're a lover, or a fighter...always fight for what you love.