Childish Is As Childish Does

I'm sick and tired of bullshit. There's no other way to put it. I'm tired of everyone's bullshit - even my own. I don't know who I am anymore, or what I'm doing. My life cannot remain stress-free for more than a week at a time, be it the fault of someone else or my own damn fault (and it seems that more often than not lately, I'm stirring shit that shouldn't be stirred). I used to pride myself on not being a jealous person, slow to judge, loving to everyone, and an open-minded, warm, welcoming person to be around. Now, I'm cynical, I'm angry, I jump to conclusions with no safety net to catch me - and every time, that sudden stop at the bottom hurts more than anything. I'm creating a havoc in my life that I'm slowly losing control over, and I don't know how much longer I can expect this to continue without serious repercussions. It's taking a huge emotional toll on me. I am in a constant personal state of turmoil, which makes me and everyone else around me miserable.

Now, I don't think that all my madness is unwarranted. I think that given past transgressions against me, it would be impossible for me to continue in the way that I used to be, at least at this point in time. My issue is that I can no longer let anything go - I've let myself become so hurt and hardened over every single thing that's happened, that when some insignificant bump arises in my life, I make it into a problem that is way bigger than it ever should've been (and therefore MUCH more difficult to overcome).

I'm not handling this life as well as I originally intended to - then again, who ever really does? This situation was more or less thrown upon both my husband and me, and neither of us has shown any great deal of maturity, professionalism, or progress concerning it. Neither of us has been successful in handling this well. The biggest concern that I will always have is that Lilla is well provided for, and that she sees happy, loving, productive parents setting a fantastic example for her. We aren't doing well at that. I don't know what to do for myself anymore - I am the only person that can change me, and I am the only person that I can expect to change. I really need to do a lot of work on myself. I'm just so disappointed that it's ever come to this, and that I ever let myself change in these ways.

You live and you learn.