Oh, Life...

My husband is finally home. He's been home now for just over three days. I've never been happier in my life. Never. In. My. Life.

I cannot tell you how many times I have already cried tears of joy as I lay in the bed next to him in the morning, tracing his features, re-memorizing his face with the tip of my finger. I missed that morning breath, and it's still just as toxic. Just the weight of him in the bed, rolling me to the middle, is enough to send my heart soaring. I've come close to death a few times, I don't think he's yet adjusted to not doing everything in fear of his life anymore. While he was sleeping the first night, he punched the bed right next to my head so hard that if he'd hit me, I'm sure I would've been knocked out. It was the most random thing I've ever seen him do in his sleep. Scary stuff. Last night he was facing the wall, and I was lying behind him, and my forearm was lying the length of his ribs. I fell asleep that way. Suddenly, I'm awakened by this terrible pain in my forearm, and when I look to see what's happening, he's still very much asleep and is gripping the skin on top of my arm as hard as he possibly can. He picked up my arm and threw it down behind him. Funniest shit ever. His mother scared the living daylights out of him today when he was sleeping on the couch. She came home and got all excited talking to the dogs, and when the screen door slammed, he almost launched off the couch. Boy, he was ready to go. Whatever that Drill Sergeant had in store for him, he was gonna be on his feet ready to take it. I could've died laughing...I can tell it's gonna take quite some time for him to start resembling a Soldier that has graduated training, ya know, like, some resemblance to a normally functioning human being.

We also went to an OB appointment together today. He got to hear her heartbeat for the first time. He had that adorable, priceless little smirk on his face, just the same as when we saw a 10-week sonogram. I want to capture the essence of that facial expression and carry it around with me all the time. It's so special.

I've noticed that he doesn't drag his hand across the TV to kill the static on it anymore...

All the good things come at a price, I will tell you that. For anyone that will soon be dealing with their Soldier coming home from training (I can't speak for deployments yet, but I'm entirely sure this could also apply then), and also for those that are old hands at it, I'm sure you can relate. Be ready for them to be very, very different. Some guys handle it better than others. Mine is...taking his time to adjust, I suppose. Or maybe it's more difficult for him than for the next guy. It's not what I imagined it would be, to say the least, and I have to face the music when it comes to re-adjusting to having him around again. He has to re-adjust, too. We've fought, gotten over it. It's so hard right now, so hard, but I knew this was coming, and I will face it all with my head held high. We will get through this. Yes, things have been said that I wish weren't, and I am dealing with issues that I never imagined would exist for us, but I know we will make it. I am not the same woman I was four months ago. This experience has deeply affected me in several ways, and I realize that nothing is quite the same anymore. For him, I see glimpses of the same man I sent away, but he really is a different beast now. We can't expect them to go through the things they've gone through, and see and hear what they have, with death and destruction drilled into their brains, without them coming back changed a bit. It's all in how we choose to let that affect us, and how we choose to handle that. My husband says things sometimes that I just have to shake my head at. I know what the Army is about. I know what his job is. I was and always will be entirely aware of what the requirements are and what is being asked of him to fulfill his duty to this country. His mother can't handle it. At his graduation, they had simulated machine gun fire and grenades. Basically just a bunch of noise and flashes preceding the rifle squad doing their demonstration. She burst into tears. I was excited as hell. I thought it was COOL! I understand what it means. I understand what he's facing when/if he deploys. I don't like the thought of him going - who would? But I'm prepared to handle every up and down with just as much a sense of pride and duty as my husband serves with. He's a different man now. I see so many things that have changed, but all those changes have strengthened and reinforced all the wonderful parts of the "old him" I still see. I could get angry, and scream and shout and cry at him, telling him how horribly he's treating me and how I don't like the things he says, how unfair it is to me that he acts how he does after so long. Fact of the matter is, that's not gonna fix anything. He is what he is now. I married him, knowing what we were getting ourselves into. And, although there are moments where I really do feel that way, I realize that we both have a newfound, deep appreciation for each other. Sometimes things have to go unspoken to be best understood. It's the quiet moments, or that split second that you make eye contact unexpectedly, where you best hear it.

On a lighter note, I can tell you another thing: the Army does NOT make PCSing easy. If you're new to this game, be prepared for that, too. Contact Transportation Offices early to make sure their phone numbers are in order and you can actually speak with a human being. All of the numbers for Florida and Georgia are out of service, or do not answer when you call several times. Useful, huh? I don't see this working out smoothly, to say the least.

In two days, my life will change even more drastically. As of the end of this week, I will reside in a huge metro area - a stark change from the country life I've enjoyed for almost 20 years. My life is gonna be flipped upside down again. But we'll be entirely on our own. As scary as that can be, I think I'm even more excited. We get to go through the struggle, and the frustration, and the hard work, and the ultimate joy and payoff of doing things for ourselves. This is a milestone for both of us. As much of a whirlwind as Army life has become, I couldn't help but love it more every single day.