What Women Really Want

Believe it or not, it's not "for a guy to be a complete asshole 24/7". TURN OFF.

Building on a few conversations here and there with my best friend, this is what I've derived (so far) concerning what women really want.

• Smile. There's nothing more attractive and comforting than a shining, toothy grin.
• Hugs. Good ones, and don't make us ask for them. They're a hot commodity and are reassuring.
• Surprises. Small, simple, unexpected changes in the routine are fantastic. Go to the dollar store and buy some candles, bust out the fancy china (i.e. anything that ISN'T a paper plate), and make a simple dinner. Make it like a fancy date night, but at home. That's a wonderful way to make a girl like you a whooole lot more.
• Romance. Dance with us under the stars with no music, or just in the living room to some mushy love song. It melts us. THIS IS A BIG DEAL and it makes us say nice things to our friends about you.
• Hard work. A man that works hard and takes pride in what he does is so, so sexy. Yeah, a job is a job, and hardly any of us LOVE what we do, but seriously, don't come home and bitch about it every night. If we wanted to hear another chick bitch about working, we'd call our friends up. Plus, we love a rugged man. ;)
• Dinner dates. We looove to be wined & dined. Well, not all of us can drink legally yet, but take us out for some iced tea and a nice t-bone steak. It's a nice break from the monotony.
• Girls' days. Sacrifice your Saturday afternoon and beer money to send us to get our hair done or our nails did once in a while. I'm the first chick to say that I don't expect a man to pay for this crap every 2-3 weeks, but once in a while, SPOIL US.
• Listen. I know this is a hard one, especially when we whine. My recommendation is that you suck it up and don't change the subject to a similar experience you've recently had and start whining yourself. Follow the advice you always see in the movies: smile, nod, and interject an "I understand" or "how do you feel about that?" every once in a while.
• Compliments. Ooh doggy, this is a good one, probably should've been on top of the list. Compliment us on how we look, particularly when you can see that we've put effort into looking good for you. Examples of this are: doing our hair a different way, doing our makeup, putting on a bra and getting out of our pajamas. Maybe not so much that we begin to expect it, but when you unexpectedly say "you look so beautiful, baby," it's a win win situation.
• Be witty. THIS DOES NOT MEAN BE AN ASSHOLE. We like it when you can make smartass comments about things other than what's important to us.
• Support us. When we tell you about a major goal or plan we have, don't shoot us out of the air. Ask us for details, tell us ways to improve on our ideas, and be positive about it. Even if you're just pretending.
• Communicate. Talking is a huge thing. Understanding is a huge thing. Not blowing your top off in a difficult situation is a HUGE THING. When you start doing that, we lose confidence in being able to turn to you in hard times. Learn how you communicate most effectively. In sticky situations, take a break and come back with a positive, reassuring attitude.
• Remember. Important dates, your anniversary, her dog's birthday - they all matter. Take 5 minutes and pick up a card and some flowers. And to touch again on the listening thing, when she tells you she "really wants ___" for her birthday, or she'd "really love to do ___", write it down on a sticky note and put it in your wallet for Christ's sake. IT MATTERS.

So, this is all I have to say now. This doesn't apply to all broads, cause some bro hoes just really aren't romantic at all. For the hopeless romantics, however, following this list might bring you some success.

:)

Childish Is As Childish Does

I'm sick and tired of bullshit. There's no other way to put it. I'm tired of everyone's bullshit - even my own. I don't know who I am anymore, or what I'm doing. My life cannot remain stress-free for more than a week at a time, be it the fault of someone else or my own damn fault (and it seems that more often than not lately, I'm stirring shit that shouldn't be stirred). I used to pride myself on not being a jealous person, slow to judge, loving to everyone, and an open-minded, warm, welcoming person to be around. Now, I'm cynical, I'm angry, I jump to conclusions with no safety net to catch me - and every time, that sudden stop at the bottom hurts more than anything. I'm creating a havoc in my life that I'm slowly losing control over, and I don't know how much longer I can expect this to continue without serious repercussions. It's taking a huge emotional toll on me. I am in a constant personal state of turmoil, which makes me and everyone else around me miserable.

Now, I don't think that all my madness is unwarranted. I think that given past transgressions against me, it would be impossible for me to continue in the way that I used to be, at least at this point in time. My issue is that I can no longer let anything go - I've let myself become so hurt and hardened over every single thing that's happened, that when some insignificant bump arises in my life, I make it into a problem that is way bigger than it ever should've been (and therefore MUCH more difficult to overcome).

I'm not handling this life as well as I originally intended to - then again, who ever really does? This situation was more or less thrown upon both my husband and me, and neither of us has shown any great deal of maturity, professionalism, or progress concerning it. Neither of us has been successful in handling this well. The biggest concern that I will always have is that Lilla is well provided for, and that she sees happy, loving, productive parents setting a fantastic example for her. We aren't doing well at that. I don't know what to do for myself anymore - I am the only person that can change me, and I am the only person that I can expect to change. I really need to do a lot of work on myself. I'm just so disappointed that it's ever come to this, and that I ever let myself change in these ways.

You live and you learn.

Negative Feeding Negative

I've noticed lately that negative people will be negative, no matter what. There's nothing you can do to fix it. They might seem stoked temporarily about things, but they'll always slum back down to their little Debbie Downer ways. Be careful how involved you let people get with your personal matters, because it won't be as easy for them to see things improving as it is for you. I've made this mistake in sharing details of my marital issues in-depth with my family members. At the time, it always seems like a relief to be able to vent everything and anything to someone else who you know will (likely) be on your side of things. Unfortunately, what you'll find (as I have) is that when all the drama passes and things become wonderful again, the people you shared with are likely to remain skeptical and very negative about the situation. No matter how much you tell them, they still only know the situation in a superficial way. They aren't there every second of every day to see the dynamics of how things change. This goes for any personal details in your life.

I've only found one person, one, that can be completely non-judgmental about how situations fluctuate from day to day in my life. I've known her for 13 years, and she's not related to me at all. I do consider her blood, though. She's treated me better and stood by my side through more than most of my family has, without fail.

Short post: my point here is to grow up and not spread your dirt everywhere. You'll regret it later, because even though it seems like a relief at the moment, you'll notice that as time goes on and things change, peoples' perceptions of the situation don't. Keep ya bidness to ya self.

Stevie G's Tips For Moms-To-Be

I figured I'd take a more lighthearted approach to my post this time. I have a few friends who are on the verge of having some babies, so I'm gonna give y'all MY personal advice for what to do to soak up this experience. Now remember...it's me we're talking about here.

BEFORE HAVING THE BABY

- Everyone will tell you to sleep now while you can. They never spoke truer words to you. Don't overdo yourself now. You'll soon fondly remember the nights that you may have caught 4 hours of sleep without waking up to pee or feed a screaming child.

- Ask for the big things on your registry. Bouncers, swings, stroller/car seat combos (don't get cheated out of that piece of heaven). Be very explicit that you DON'T NEED A YEAR'S WORTH OF NEWBORN CLOTHES. They really do outgrow them in a month. Unless you plan on changing your kid 8 times a day so they can wear all those clothes, it's unnecessary. And ask for LOTS of diapers...newborn size, and then the next size up.

-  Do everything you can to keep your head level. You only THINK you're stressed now.

- Seriously, take advantage of your nesting instincts. "Cleaning" will quickly become a four letter word for you when you're pulling your hair out over your baby. If you're like me and don't know much about birthin no babies, you're gonna want to veg out for the first few weeks and figure that kid out.

- Have someone there that can HELP you with things like cooking meals and doing your laundry for you. All that will come in time.

- Back to registries: I would recommend asking for Moby wraps or sleeper sacks. You'll hate your life if you have to lug a car seat everywhere. Keeping the baby on you is so much more convenient.

LABOR AND BRINGING THE BABY HOME

- Don't be a hero. If you're about going without pain meds, I completely support your decision. I went in with that mindset. But let me make this point: there is no need to stress yourself and the baby out because you are trying to put yourself through excruciating pain to prove something...to who? They made epidurals and Stadol for a reason. SHIT HURTS.

- Don't expect your boyfriend/husband to be much support. I know the shows on tv show husbands helping their wives through the whole thing. They're also over 30 and already have other kids. Young guys are bad at that concept. Adjust now.

- Don't be fooled into thinking your baby will stay as quiet as they are for the first two days. They're sneaky snakes.

- ASK FOR SOCKS. Oh man, I know at least for me they gave me the Pillow Paws socks with the grippies on the bottom. I'm wearing them right now. Steal those suckers. Best decision I ever made.

- Make your own decisions about how to feed your baby. If you plan to formula feed, stick to your guns. It's your decision. Don't let people make you feel guilty for how you raise your kid. They'll do that...it's your baby, you raise it how you see fit.

- Make an extra bottle before bed. You'll love this piece of advice at 2 am when you don't have to take the extra time to make it then. Quiet babies are lovely babies at night.

- Don't try to be Supermom. If your house gets a little messy, dinner isn't made every night, laundry piles up a bit, trust me, IT'S OKAY. Men have a warped idea of what you should be capable of at first. Tell them to shove it. I say you have one month of leeway. After that, you should be more used to your baby, and then you really should pick up the pace again. Otherwise you'll become sedentary and it gets ugly from there.

- Ask for help if you need it. Your baby can tell if you're stressed, and it isn't good for either of you. Like I said, veg when you can for the first week or two. Having someone around to lighten the load will do wonders for keeping you out of that "psycho new mom" stereotype.

That's it for now. Just some friendly reminders for the first month of trying to learn your new little ball of drool. Just be full of love and patience. The little baby is learning right along with you. :)

One Day At A Time

Well, I think I might have finally figured out this mobile blogging thing. Maybe. I guess if you're reading this, then it means I have. I've been out of commission lately since my computer decided to self-destruct. But, I can assure you, plenty has been going on. Of course, most of you know I now have a two month old daughter, who just so happens to be the light of my life. She's wiggling around on my chest as I type. She's getting feistier every day, and her personality is definitely starting to shine through. Talk about a good baby, though.

Otherwise, things are starting to look up for us. I guess living this life has taken a bit of a toll on our young marriage. When my husband got back from basic, I knew he had changed. I guess I didn't realize, or didn't want to realize, just how much. Of course, I'd done my fair share of changing as well, but not in nearly the same way. I think he had been away for so long from the way things were with me, that coming back and having a very pregnant wife and looming PCS was a bit of a shocker. Things got real super quick. Since then, honestly, we have struggled to keep it together. We have dealt with infidelity, insecurity, lying, childishness. You name it, we've done it. And it's been both of us, not just one or the other.

As soon as I had Lilla, things seemed to get exponentially better between us, which I didn't expect. But that only lasted for a little while. The usual stresses obviously set in. Luckily I've had my father steadfast by my side, who has been a tremendous help. Without him, I'd be in a much worse way. But Daddy can only come to the rescue so much. At some point, we have to deal with our issues on our own. The past 5 months have been an incredible roller coaster of emotions and have pushed us to our limits emotionally and every other way. It's almost sent me back to Florida, more than once.

What we have both come to realize is that we have a terrible time communicating honestly with each other. I don't feel that I can communicate my needs to him and be taken seriously. He feels like he shouldn't communicate most of his needs to me, because "men don't do that". There's a lot more to it, but that's the basic idea.

To keep from boring you to death, here's my basic idea for the day: if you're married to the military, or you're a married/committed servicemember, TALK. Be able to talk to each other. If you don't feel able to, you aren't going to be successful in your endeavors or your relationship. When you and someone you love are part of this life, sometimes you're all the other person has. You're taken miles away from everything that's familiar, and expected to simply carry on as if nothing has changed. Your partner in life is supposed to be someone you can confide in, trust, and tell things to that you wouldn't trust to anyone else. Go to a counselor if you need help sorting out your frustrations, etc. and can't do that on your own. There's nothing wrong with it. The stigma of counseling being for people that "have something wrong with them" needs to be thrown out the window. Don't give up just because things get ridiculously hard at times. If it wasn't about this, there'd be something else in life that would be extremely trying at some point.

Case and point, I'm doing everything I can to improve my marriage for the sake of our daughter, and because I love my husband to the ends of the Universe and back. Don't let the stresses eat at you until you feel hopeless. Talk to someone outside the situation, whether it be a trusted friend, family member, or a therapist if the situation calls for it.

One day, you'll be able to look back and laugh.

Get a Clue

I have been a Mommy for a month now. Throughout this time, I've come to realize that from time to time, I try to fit "the mold" of what people expect a mother to be. Well, I'm just here to say: get a fucking clue.

Mmkay, so it seems like everyone has this image stuck in their head of a mother being like Mrs. Cleaver, wearing clean, pressed dresses every day, hair coiffed, makeup perfect, polite and kind, smelling good and being able to fix any problem by dinner time (with dinner of course being some elaborate spread she's slaved in the kitchen all day making). Well I'm just gonna say, that's not reality for the majority of women anyway, and damn sure not for me. Most women nowadays are putting in 40+ hour work weeks, going to school, and who knows what else. We're successful. Being successful equals messier hair, simple or no makeup, and the occasional wrinkle in our shirt. Well, I get to stay at home all day and get puked on by the Spawn, so I don't quite fall into this category.

If anyone has known me for any significant amount of time, there are a few things they can probably tell you about me. Some are obvious. Some become obvious very quickly after coming around me. I have a lot of tattoos, my hair changes color often, I smoke too much, I drink a lot, and I have a dirty, filthy mouth. Most of the time, these things are coupled with an "IDGAF" attitude. Not always. Just depends on how dense you are.

I'm just going to get straight to the point, because I don't feel like typing about this for ten hours straight: I'm not a bad mother because I say the word "fuck". Sure, chock it up to inexperience, or me being "too young". I'm pretty sure I'll still be using four-letter words when I'm 35, when I'm 60, and probably on my death bed. Words are just that: words. Random assortments of the alphabet that someone decided could be offensive and "bad". GET OVER IT. I SAY A LOT OF BAD WORDS. If that makes me seem immature to you, so be it. You obviously don't know what I'm capable of. I'm not like every single other knocked up 19 year old girl. Just watch that Teen Mom show once, it makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit. Then sit and actually break my mind open. You'll realize that not every 19 year old kid is what Hollywood makes us out to be. *SOME* of us are capable of incredible, fantastic things. We just say dirty words to piss everyone off.

How this concerns me? I don't always wear super nice clothes. Sometimes (most of the time) my hair looks jacked, and my makeup is less than flattering. My nails are always peeling. If I paint them, they're chipped within the day. I spit a lot. None of these things make someone a bad parent. What makes someone a good parent is unconditional love for their little ball of drool. Patience. Understanding. Selflessness. Sitting for hours just soaking up every moment they can, because they know they'll never get it back. Your pressed khakis don't make you better than me. Sitting in the floor with books, practically reading to yourself  because the kid is still too small to really understand, but doing it anyway because it lets them hear your voice? That makes you awesome. It takes a lot of work, but it's nothing like your 9-5 job. It comes naturally, spread out over the course of the days and months and years that your child is in your life. The fact that I realize that, I think, puts me far ahead of the competition.

There is a time and a place for everything. Obviously, I'm not going to make "shit" Lilla's first word. I'm not gonna get falling down drunk in front of my kid to set an example. But being a parent does NOT mean that life stops. I hate it when people say that. It just depends on how you make your life work around your children - not your children work around your life. They should always come first, first, first. Then, once in a while, you can go out with your friends, say shitfuckcuntdamnscrew, and have one too many before you sleep it off and go back to being Superparent the next day.

Get real.

Chasing Rainbows

This is going to be a very personal post. I have come to a crossroads.

There are times that it is so hard to know what is "right". Now conveniently happens to be one of those times for me, personally. There are several things that have been kicking my ass as of late, and I'm coming to the point that the weight of everything on my shoulders is about to make my knees buckle. Physically, the only bothersome issue is obviously being 32 weeks pregnant. My husband is amazing, so I don't have to work, the apartment is manageable in size concerning cleaning, and I'm not yet enrolled in a college up here. What's becoming unbearable is the emotional weight I've been carrying for so long now. And this concerns me.

There are several things that have been happening lately that I was not prepared for in any way, shape, or form. I figured that after my husband graduated OSUT, things would be blissful, we would be reunited, and everything would just be downhill from there until the baby was born. Things turned out to be quite the opposite. And I have been on an emotional rollercoaster ever since. I'm at the point that I'm just not sure what to do to make things okay, anymore. I don't expect someone to give me the magic word and make everything go away overnight. What I mean is, I don't even know how or where to start to work and make progress and fix things over time anymore. Rob and I have discussed, fought, talked, cried, and screamed about all this, trying to come to a resolution that worked for both of us and would help us get better. It's really difficult to say how much progress we've made at this point. Honestly, the two of us have quite volatile tempers. I am finding that the main issue is that we let our tempers do the reasoning, as opposed to being able to calmly come to any conclusion. In turn, things get said that really shouldn't, harsh words get used, and I'll be totally real with you for two seconds: feelings get hurt.

If you know me in person, you know that I have an issue with "feelings". I don't like feelings. Feelings give me the heebie jeebies. I don't deal well with emotions, because I too often associate emotions with weakness. It's a pretty long story, a lot of it has to do with my family and all that, you know. The typical reasons that someone gets emotionally jacked up. As you can imagine, dealing with all this stress and change has heebie jeebied me to the max, because it brings out the emotional side of me that I really, really can't stand. On top of that, my husband does not deal with my emotions well - AT ALL. It's the hardest thing in the world for me to deal with, because I am craving attention at this point. I want it nonstop. I want affection and physical connection and talking and quiet times together. He, on the other hand, is on a completely different playing field. This evokes my sometimes overbearing emotions, and hit fits the shan. Things have changed so drastically, in such a short amount of time it seems. I don't know what to do anymore to cope.

He was gone for such a huge part of my pregnancy, especially the points at which I really needed his support and presence the most. When he came back, everything had completely changed. You can try to prepare yourself all you want, but you can never imagine what kind of a man is coming back to you after that training. In my mind at least, I knew he would be more serious, more disciplined, that his attitude would probably have changed, but I figured our relationship would go back to what it was before he left: that comfortable, easygoing, nonchalant infatuation. What I've found is that we're having a difficult time adapting to each others' needs. It doesn't help that we both need drastically different things at this point. Communication is difficult between the two of us as well. Like I said, volatile tempers. I have become an exceptionally emotional being, and he has become even more reserved with his emotions. Basically like I've just sucked all the emotion out of him and I leave it on display 24/7.

It's hard for me to face this, because it's so hard for him to face it, too. We can talk about it all we want, but actions speak louder than words. I often feel that I am bearing the weight of being alone most of the time, pregnant, emotional in a way I've never felt before, and desperate for attention and support, and I feel like I'm doing it by myself. You absolutely have to understand one thing, if nothing else from everything I've said. My husband is not a bad husband, or father. He still is and always will be the most amazing, absolutely incredible man in my eyes. Nothing, not a single thing could change that. Being 20 and having a baby and being married wasn't on either of our agendas at any point. We're doing all we can to make it through this with our heads still above water. We're handling this the best way we know how, and sometimes his way and my way don't exactly mesh.

We are working so hard to find that common ground. I'm doing everything I can to keep myself healthy in every aspect, particularly mentally. I wouldn't call this a "dark" time in my life, because it's really anything but that. I would call it the point underneath the rainbow, where you can't see it because you don't have that perspective yet, and it's gonna be a lot of work and searching to find that pot of gold. It can't happen til you get to a point that you can straighten out your perspective again and readjust your focus.You have to get out from under the rain storm first.

More than anything, what I hope you take from this post is that you should never, ever lose sight of your ultimate goals. Know your priorities. Be able to sit down and discuss them with the people that are important to you. If there's conflict, find a way to work toward common ground. Don't expect anything to happen overnight. Selfishness accomplishes nothing, and you should be real with yourself and change pace when you see it becoming a trend. Don't ever keep yourself in a situation that breaks your heart nonstop. I promise you, it's not worth it. Most of our friction comes from being a military family, on top of other personal issues that we have problems discussing at times. But any family can experience these things. It's nothing to be ashamed of, but it is something that should be taken seriously and dealt with effectively. If you have to bring in an outside, unbiased opinion, do it. But do it the right way, with someone you can both trust and turn to for help. Just don't be quick to write your loved ones off.

Whether you're a lover, or a fighter...always fight for what you love.